How To Identify & Manage Emotional Pain In Children?

Published on: October 15, 2023

Emotional pain, while often less visible than physical pain, can leave deep scars, especially in children. Unlike a scraped knee that heals over time, emotional wounds from unmet needs, rejection, or anxiety can linger, significantly impacting a child’s mental well-being and academic performance.

Here’s a detailed look at emotional pain in children, its effects, and how parents and educators can help.

What Is Emotional Pain?

Emotional pain refers to feelings of distress or discomfort that arise from unmet emotional needs or negative experiences. While physical injuries are easy to detect and treat, emotional pain often goes unnoticed, making it more challenging to address.

A child may feel emotional pain when:

They fail to form meaningful connections.
They experience rejection, fear, sadness, or anxiety.
Their efforts to achieve are dismissed or ridiculed.

For example, failing to join a social group at school may lead to lingering sadness, which, if unresolved, can escalate into depression.

Identifying Emotional Pain In Children

Children express emotional pain in ways that often differ from adults. Recognizing these signs early can make a world of difference.

Examples of Emotional Pain Manifestations

Mia, 12: "Sometimes the negative stuff increases so much that I feel like my heart is rotting."
Tina, 8: Describes emotional pain as physical discomfort: "It feels like my stomach and head are going to explode."
Krish, 14: Labeled as lazy because he remains silent and frequently says, "I don't know," when questioned.
Rajeev, 10: Avoids answering questions in class due to fear of being laughed at.

Common Symptoms to Look For
Frequent complaints of physical problems (e.g., headaches, stomach aches) with no medical explanation.
Changes in behavior, such as irritability, lack of focus, or withdrawal from activities once enjoyed.
Expressions of hopelessness or low self-esteem.
Excessive fixation on food, body image, or perfectionism.
Anger outbursts or impulsive behavior in response to frustration or anxiety.

Emotional Pain And Its Impact On Thinking & Learning

Emotion is important in education- it drives attention, which in turn drives learning and memory. Learning requires thinking. Our thoughts influence how we feel. Hence, how we feel impacts how we think or learn.

Negative emotions can either be the cause or effect of problems with learning. Anxiety, sadness, anger or frustration can interfere with learning which causes a maladaptive, self-defeating pattern of behaviour, further preventing learning and stunting mental/emotional growth.

Priscila Vail, an expert on learning, describes emotions as the “on-off switch to learning”. According to Mrs. Vail when this switch is on, the pathway to learning is open, when we are experiencing positive emotions, the message of purpose and excitement drives our behaviour towards a goal, however when we are experiencing negative or painful emotions this switch turns itself off, and thinking and learning are stifled.

Research shows that happiness has a positive effect on learning, memory, and behaviour. When we are happy, we have a 'clear mind' and it's easy for us to focus our attention on the task at hand and learn, but when we are upset 'we can't think straight' , our attention is focused on the emotional pain, leaving minimal room in our brain for concentrating or learning.

Positive emotions such as joy, contentment, acceptance, trust, and satisfaction can enhance learning, conversely, prolonged emotional distress or pain can cripple our learning abilities. Brain imaging studies show that the area for emotions and memory in the brain are the same, making it extremely difficult to recollect information when we are frustrated, angry, anxious or sad.

When 'unmanaged emotions' take over they become toxic to our well being and colour our world in shades of black and gray. It is impossible to manage our lives until we can manage these negative pain causing emotions.

Managing Emotional Pain at Home and School

Being able to recognise, express and manage a wide range of emotions in themselves and others benefits children's mental health & wellbeing. Parents can help children learn about feelings and how to manage them effectively, by doing the follows:

Be a role model for your child - show them that having difficult feelings is part of everyday life & show them how to deal with them (e.g., "I'm feeling really tired and I think I need to have an early night.")
Try to understand the meaning behind your child’s behaviour and respond accordingly
Make talking to your child about feelings a normal part of every day, life by reinforcing the message, "it's ok to feel a range of emotions both positive and negative". You can do this by naming feelings in yourself and others and encouraging your child to do the same
Encourage your child to express his or her emotions in healthy ways, such as talking about sad feelings or saying why they may be feeling angry and helping them to become calm (e.g., letting their anger out in a safe manner) and move on to more pleasant activities
Explicitly teach your child to express themselves in an assertive manner as opposed to an aggressive manner when faced with a negative emotion

Teachers can assist children dealing with emotional pain and ensure a safe learning environment by reflecting periodically on the following questions:

Does every child feel comfortable to share their feelings in my class or with me?
Do they feel, they can make mistakes and they wouldn’t be shamed?
Are they confident enough to take risks that will accelerate their learning?
Have I built a culture of mutual respect so that the children support each other in their learning?

(For the teachers who have responded with a 'yes' to all the above questions kudos to you, you really are a rockstar for your learners. For those who have responded with a mix of 'yes/no', I respect your honesty, and for the ones who responded with a 'no', it's ok too, because you’re making an effort by reading articles such as these)

I'd like to conclude by quoting Rita Pierson, "EVERY CHILD NEEDS A CHAMPION" and this is even more true for a child dealing with emotional pain. Let’s attempt to become these CHAMPIONS by creating significant and safe learning environments, starting with building significant relationships with children whose lives we touch.

Written by Radhika Bhatt, Psychologist
JBCN International School, Oshiwara

FAQs

What are essential life skills my child should learn before starting college?

Before starting college, your child should learn basic life skills for college students such as money management, cooking, laundry, and handling daily chores. These skills will help them transition smoothly to university life.
How can I help my child prepare for the financial responsibilities of college?

Help your child with student financial management by discussing and curating their college budget, teaching them how to handle bills, and setting up a local bank account. Additionally, create a shared document to track their expenses and discuss family views on borrowing money.
What should my child pack for college?

Ensure your child packs necessary items for their dorm room and personal needs. This includes checking what items they need, such as a mini fridge or curtains, and referring to the university’s packing list for specific requirements.
How can my child make connections before starting college?

Encourage your child to reach out to future batchmates and roommates and connect with seniors for insights about college life. Planning family calls and correspondence details can also help maintain a sense of connection and familiarity before starting college.